SWF: Relapse - 09/11/00

[As the clock nears 10:00pm est, SWF-TV is brought to a stand still. Suddenly the once black screen, switches to a disclaimer and a dark voice is heard reading the disclaimer on the screen....]

[Due to the graphical nature of this program, listener discretion is ADVISED!!]

[It is suddenly obvious that it's the intro to Fear Factory's "Edgecrusher", the disclaimer stops and a rewind is heard before the song blasts into it's crunching opening riff and Relapse's opening credits begin to play. It shows time-lapse photographs of various SWF wrestlers and highlights from the first Saturday Night Breakdown, and some backstage happenings as the credits stop and the picture is then focused on a two man desk, beside that a leather couch and two chairs and a mini version of the Smack-TV which is behind the desk. The camera's then pan around to a shot of the audience that has crammed into the studio to witness first-hand SWF:Relapse. Edgecrusher then stops as all that's heard is the cheering crowd complete with "wolf-whistles" and various wrestlers names. The camera then pans to a curtain, where two men emerge to the cheers of the crowd. The men wave and hit some flexes, as one man is Lord Knighthood, obvious from his old stint at the SWF and EPWA. However, the other man, a HUGE man, isn't familiar, he's wearing a T-Shirt that reads "SWF: Bigger things than ME, come from the SWF", and the crowd die down as Lord K has a mic.]

Lord Knighthood: Welcome all to the TWO man show! This is the SWF's VERY first edition of Relapse, and Trey and Bisc have hired us to run the show. Bear with us tonight as we really don't know what the hell is going on!

[Slight pop from the crowd at the wise crack.]

Lord Knighthood: You guys all know who I am, but I bet you're wondering who my friend here is, huh?

[Huge, "Oh hell yeah" chant from the crowd, as the big man hits a big pose for the flash photography friendly crowd.]

Lord Knighthood: WELL, we're going to go take a seat at our desk-o-roonie as we go to a commericial break!

COMMERCIAL BREAK


Lord Knighthood: Wel..wel..WELCOME back folks. I'm here with this man, 7' of pure muscle, he's co-host of SWF Relapse and is the SWF's resident Wrestling analyst, he was part of the New Revolution that was GOING to bring the EPWA by storm, he a man that wasn't ever seen there, he is.........

[Pop in anticipation....]

Lord Knighthood:BIIIIIIIGIE D!

Biggie D: THANK YOU, THANK YOU ALL!!

[Bi-gie, Bi-gie chant from audience.]

Biggie D: Woo hoo, it's good to be back with a friend in the New Rev. Yes, you're right L.K., I was going to be part of the EPWA Revolution, it was going to be the biggest angle ever, it WAS just going to be revolutionary, BUT, instead Trey re-opened the SWF.

[S-W-F, S-W-F chant from the seemingly drunken audience.]

Biggie D:Originally, for those who didn't know, SWF VP; Bisc Limpkit, was sent BACK to training camp for being a gimmickless Wrestler in the EPWA. His close friend, and our friend, and the SWF Prez; Michael Trey, also just signed up there in the EPWA, after months of absence from the whole SWF buyout thingy-ma-bob. So Bisc seeked out Trey, and they bumped heads and came up with the Re-Revolution angle that was set to take the EPWA by Storm. Then things happened, and we're back here in the SWF. All members of the New Revolution, Dex, R-Kane, Blazing Infe...

Lord Knighthood:Whoa, hang on man. Because of the SWF's first lady, Sir Blaze-a-lot said he'd go under a different name for the time beeing, so he wasn't known as Blazing Inferno, when Inferna's around. So it's Dex, R-Kane and "Mihn" were hired alongside the rest of the revolution, you, me and Bisc. In different positions. Trey, a member, and Bisc run the show, you and I run THIS show, and Dex, R-Kane and Mihn are the men behind the soon to be revamped Rumour Mill.

Biggie D: BUT, enough of this talk about the New Revolution, it's time to talk about what we have lined up for tonight. And according to my guide here we have.....um, exactly what do we have?

Lord Knighthood: Well, just like every show, we'll rundown Breakdown, name some "of the weeks" and if possible get a special guest on the show! And tonight.....to get the show started off, we do indeed have a special guest....you all know him as....

[HUGE pop in anticipation.]

Biggie D: Biiiiiiiiiiiiiisc Limpiiiiiit!

[The popping audience quickly turns to that of scorn, but their boos are hid under the EXTRA loud noise of "Revolution is my Name" by Pantera as it blasts over the speakers, over the noise of the crowd and even over the noise of the two hosts. Bisc walks out fomr the curtain, his hair dyed a wierd off green color, and wears a jacket with baggy Ekho cargoes and DC skate shoes. He raises his arms to the air, nearly getting struck in the head by flying debris, but still smirkin' the smirk that only "Relentless" Rob Blackwell could teach him. He then takes off, bolting across the shiny wooden floor before skidding on his knees to a far-side camera and giving it a slight smile, he then hops up and stands next to the desk as the music dies off and only boos are heard.]

Lord Knighthood: Can we get a little shoosh here!?

[Crowd dies down, as Lord K and Biggie give Bisc a hand shake and pat on the back respectively, as Bisc takes a seat on the chair beside the desk, crossing right over left and giving his pants a bit of a pull up.]

Bisc Limpkit: Does this mic work?!

Biggie D: Yup, we can hear you "mate".

Bisc Limpkit: Well then, let's get this show started then. I'm ready, I'm willin', hit me with a question!

Lord Knighthood: Well Sir Bisc-o-lot, I know you more than any man in the New Revolution, let alone the wrestling buisness, with Trey a close second....I just gotta ask what everyone is thinking, why?

Bisc Limpkit: Why? Why what? If you're wondering why, it's because Trey offered me this job and being a true friend I accepted, and it feels good too. I couldn't re-join the SWF, especially with Trey as my boss, it worked last time because no-one knew of our relationship, but this time a little bias could of been involved!

Lord Knighthood: No ya silly bastard! I'm talking about the incident on Breakdown, the little thing where you bludgoened Kyle Solomon...

[Huge pop at the fans hero's name...and ensuing Sol-o-mon, Sol-o-mon chant. Bisc turns to the audience and gives a slight sneer.]

Lord Knighthood:.....over the head with a friggin' steel chair, almost driving his skull back inside him, compacting him down to dwarf size?!

Bisc Limpkit: WELL, well well. I knew this would draw some SLIGHT controvosy, and I have a perfectly sane explanation. It all started back in the original incarnation of the greatest fed on the planet, this one, the SWF.

Biggie D: Are we taking a trip down memory lane?!

Bisc Limpkit: Sure am Big Damn Daddee. When LK and myself were rookies here, Solomon was a guy I personally always looked up to, even though he's younger than me. He was like a guy that represented everything good in this sport, and gave the fans what they wanted to see. Solomon and the New Rev didn't cross paths at all in that stint, it was in the break between the buy-out is when we got to know him. Solomon equalled my friend, and we done some shit together. Then the EPWA finally opened up and we were sort of aligned, we were all cool and tight, and he proved to me that he was indeed the Boss (of the hot sauce).

[HOT SAUCE BOSS! HOT SAUCE BOSS! Cheer from the rowdy crowd...]

Bisc Limpkit: So all was well, and even in Training camp he supported me. THEN, the worst thing happnened. I became the vice president of the SWF and found out how much of a piece of fesetering frogshit, Kyle "The Mark" Solomon is.

[HUGE boos from the crowd, as a Bisc-Sucks-Cock! chant erupts, there are cries of how Limp Bisc's dick is, and all sorts of insults.]

Biggie D: My god man, you do realise that Solomon's our friends. We're not going to judge you coz you're our friend too, BUT how can you back up such alagations?

Bisc Limpkit: Well what you all don't know won't hurt you.

Lord Knighthood: You gotta speak up or you'll be recieving hate mail all your life.

Bisc Limpkit: I still will, but I mightaz well tell the world how much of a chump Solomon is. It all revolves around the fact that he whines and complains backstage and boasts about how good he is....then he tries to ram ideas down creative controls mouths saying how he wants to do this and that, and all this fucking crap that I don't give a shit about.

[The loudest boo of the evening is heard, as cans are piffed down at Bisc.]

Bisc Limpkit: (Smirks) Oh, it's TRUE........it's TRUE. He wants to be "The Mark", "The One Man Show", "The Only Superstar", "The Champion", "The Fans Favorite" and "The Fucking Booker" too. He thinks his gods gift to everyone, and worst thing is he boasts about it everychance he gets. It's alright being someone talented, he is, it's alright being a great mic worker, he is, but it's NOT right to tell people about it. So, I've started up a club....it's called Anti-Mark's R Us.

[Bisc unzips his puffy jacket to reveal a black t-shirt, and in big bold red letters is "Anti-Mark Member #1" and a pic of Solomon's face with a big censor sign around it. The crowd continue their booing frenzy as their hero is being defaced by the Limp One.]

Lord Knighthood: Crap man, you really hate Solomon. I bet you could get quite a number of people on the SWF Roster to join, Hunter, Kobra, Drake...

Bisc Limpkit: Oh, that's where you're wrong. I may be anti-Solomon, BUT I'm not a bad guy, really. Drake's still the biggest piece of crap the world has ever seen, just now he's not just a nugget of shit, he's a GOLD nugget. That won't last though, I bet someone will be able to topple his dumb ass.

Biggie D: I bet Kobra, Blackheart and Solomon are contenders.

Bisc Limpkit: I was thinking more on the lines of, Inferna.

[The crowd still cheers her name....and some guy in the audience goes mental at the hearing of her name.]

Bisc Limpkit: See, I'm not a bad guy. I'm really all for the good guys in the federation, I just don't like Solomon, can you see that?! For you fans out there, I'd even hire Tiny Biggs if I could find a way, that would please you fans right? Even though he seems to think it was MY fault he couldn't be hired...hah!

[Crowd start to cheer for the biggest man, FORMALLY in sports entertainment.]

Lord Knighthood: Oh, but I doubt you'd be in their good books. It'd just please them to see him back.

Bisc Limpkit: Yes you're right, Trey and I have been trying everything to get him back, BUT we just can't find away, do you know how much insurance is for someone that is 7'5" and like 500 pounds?! No need to answer, it's just a hell of a fucking lot.

Lord Knighthood: We're gettin' off track Biscasauras, you were talking about Inferna?

Bisc Limpkit: Yes, that's right...Inferna's another reason I hate Solomon. You know she's a remarkably bueatifull woman, Iceman's a lucky guy, and they're meant for each other and all. Then she gets a few offers to do some ads and sitcoms, and we here at the SWF decide to broadcast such special events, we got record ratings and everything BUT Solomon came and complained, saying that we shouldn't show that kind of stuff on TV and he dis-approved of her getting a ego.

Biggie D: The MARK? The mark said that?

Bisc Limpkit: Yes, yes he did.

[The crowd start yelling at Bisc calling him a liar, even a few Australian racial slurs are heard, as Bisc snaps and stands up.]

Bisc Limpkit: SHUT THE FUCK UP!

[The crowd settle a bit as Bisc re-takes his seat.]

Bisc Limpkit: He then walked away and I heard him mumble under his breath; "Fine, then seeing how the great fans decide things, I'm going to make Inferna a bad bitch like she is." Oh, it's true.....it's FUCKING true.

[Fans restart the Li-ar, Li-ar chant, as Bisc rolls his eyes and sighs.]

Bisc Limpkit: I actually wanted you guys to appreciate what I was doing..

Biggie D: And that would be what?

Bisc Limpkit: Exposing Kyle Solomon for the dirty, rancid, stenchy, reeking, fetor, un-heginick piece of crap he is. I can't believe the fans like someone who tries to make one of their other hero's, that being Inferna, into a piece of trash. How can you people like him?!

[Crowd start cheering Sol-o-mon, Sol-o-mon followed by In-fer-na, In-Fer-na!]

Bisc Limpkit: ARGH! Why do I bother!?

Lord Knighthood: Well folks, we gotta cut to a commercial. And after the break we're running down the week that was and announcing some "of the weeks"....so stay tuned.

COMMERCIAL BREAK


[Relapse returns to one of those pan/spin camera effects and with a cheering crowd to boot.]

Biggie D: Well we're back on Relapse, episode 1, bigger than the other episode 1 that everyone forgets...and we're about to go over this past week on SWF TV. Our vice pres, Bisc Limpkit, has decided to stay and watch and find out who some "of the week"'s were, as I Biggie D, the resident Wrestling Analyst will go over the wrestlers with a bit of help from Wrestling Guru, Knightyhood.

Lord Knighthood: Soooo, without further adie, let's Break Down, Breakdown!

Biggie D: And what Breakdown it was, a little late to air, but Breakdown was simply Bigger than PPV material! If the SWF puts on a show like that, as a WEEKLY ordeal, what the hell is our PPV's gunna be like?!

Bisc Limpkit: Earthshattering.

Biggie D: So, I officially label the return Breakdown as the Show to beat all PPV's.

Lord Knighthood: Anyway, without getting off track Breakdown started off with a bang in the Corestate Spectrum, in Philly!

[The Smackette-TV shows a highlighted intro of Breakdown as Lord K continues to talk over the top of it...]

Lord Knighthood: The Ski-Mask Mafia, or the Ski-Mask Revolution came out, as everyone knows, and unmasked, officially showing the world who it was behind the masks at the EPWA. Prez Trey and Bisc stood their, with Trey's brother's bodyguard, OR close friend, whatever...."Relentless" Rob Blackwell of the HWF. Blackwell was to officially defend the vacant Breakdown belt to get the ball rolling, something happened to him...but more on that later.

Biggie D: Then the show cut to a commercial, to return with the first matchup of the night. Round one of the World Title tourney, which pitted Kyle "The Mark" Solomon...

[Huge pop once again from crowd, scorn from Bisc, and a few random shots of Solomon on the Smackette-TV]

Biggie D:....against the blackest heart in the buisness, Damien Hunter.....

[A slight grumble and boos are heard, as the crowd blast Hunter's lame-o attempts to STEAL the world title.]

Biggie D:....against Mr MIA himself, J. Simon Rykopathe. Ryker was a no-show last night, heavy snow and poor conditions caused a big delay in his flight to Phillidelphia and he didn't turn up. For those who don't know, Rykopathe is former HWF champion and isn't a man to lye down. It was a shame to not see his SWF debut last night, and as a result the match became a Mano 'e mano event, or that's the way it was made out to be!

Lord Knighthood: As Prez Trey found a suitable replacement, a DEFINATE suitable replacement, someone who's taller than Biggie D, but smaller than Tiny B, Chazz Buzzsaw. The cocky recruit was quick to bash the crowd, calling them "toothless bastards". We don't much info on the Saw at the moment, Trey hasn't released much, maybe he's awesome...we don't know. But it will be exciting to see him in the future, a man like him, with a huge f'n boot is a man to be reckoned with if you ask me!

Biggie D: I think when he says "I'm gunna stick my foot up your ass" you better be worried, it'd split you in two! Anyway, the match was already underway before Chazz got in....Kyle and Hunter goin' at it.

[The Smackette shows some highlights of the match, Chazz leveling Solomon early. Chazz getting dropkicked to the knee, causing him to eat his own chair he was carrying. Hunter bashing Solomon with a chair to the back. Chazz clothelining the fuck outta Solomon and Hunter, sending everyone to the outside. Then the little action where Chazz falls headfirst into the chair, causing him to bleed.]

Lord Knighthood: And that was that, the newie, Chazz was the first out after a nice display in his debut with the biggest man in showbiz. A mere accident cost him, but that was that.

[Again the highlights continue...with Chazz SNAPPING, throwing a helpless referee over the top rope to the outside with a double handed chokeslam. Chazz then continues his rampage, almost another side of the cocky-bigman, as he blasts Solomon again with a chair mid-moonsault, busting his nut open. A big legdrop onto a chair onto Hunter, with ref knocked out. The ref deciding to make it a pinfall match after both men are bleeding. And finally Solomon catching Hunter mid-moonsault and putting him RIGHT ON THE MARK! for the win]

Biggie D: What a reMARKable reversal by the Mark, taking that moonsault as if he was indeed the moon and planting his head into the ground with his wicked Inverted Piledriver! That was the win for Solomon, to the finals he goes to face the victor of the next two matches.

Bisc Limpkit: I could do a better piledriver with no fucking arms.

Lord Knighthood: Well, anyway, after the commercial the next match was the triple-threat-barbwire-cage-escape-only matchup between, Johnny Drake....

[Some shots of the man they once called the Innovator on the Smackette-TV, to some boos from the crowd and a big thumbs down from Bisc.]

Lord Knighthood:......and one half of the SWF's ONLY tag team, Fire and Ice....the wrestler being the Ice part.....

[Smakette shows a few images of the Icey-one, to the cheers of the audience, and a smile from Bisc.]

Lord Knighthood:.....and Drake's arch-rival, King Kobra!

[Shots of Kobra are shown, to huge heat from the crowd...]

Biggie D: And was this a f'n slobberknocker, probably the un-expected highlight of the night, in my opinion.

Bisc Limpkit: Unexpected?! I may hate both these two guys, that being Drake and Kobra, but I know they're fucking great athletes and their heated rivalry was sure to make the match more lively, then chuck Iceman in the mix and WHOA! Main event material.

Biggie D: Anyway, let's show some highlights of the match...

[Kobra's reversal on Iceman into a inverted powerbomb, with Iceman quick thinkin' and hitting the downed Drake with a headbutt on the way down. Kobra getting hardcore with Drake, showing him point-blank what the barbwire looks like. Kobra missing the "Thailand Death Strike" and getting caught up in the ropes. Drake hitting the Painkiller on Iceman. Ice and Drake double teaming Kobra, running his face across the barbwire cage. Kobra stangling the life outta Ice. Drake blocking an attempted mist-spit from Kobra and delivering a HUGE superkick to his jaw.]

Lord Knighthood: That was probably the turning point in the matchup. After Kobra's careless mistake, Drake capitalized smartly with a nice Standing Sidekick to the jaw of Kobra, what a move!

[The higlights continue, probably the second biggest one of the match. Drake scalling to the top and delivering the HUGELY big, Big Payoff onto Kobra from the top. Then Kobra whalloping Iceman in the back of the head with the "Thailand Death Strike", assisting Iceman in seeing stars. Then Drake and Kobra battle up on top of the cage, with Drake throwing himself off backwards landing hard on the floor and winning in the process. Kobra then flies, splashing Drake, on the floor, being the sore looser he is.]

Bisc Limpkit: And I'd have to say, that was BLOODY hardcore!

Biggie D: Oh but Drake wins, sending him to the finals....with ONLY broken ribs, and being a stubborn tough SOB by refusing medical attention and only taking PAINKILLERS!

Lord Knighthood: Well, the next matchup is another three-way qualifier for the final in the tourney. It pitted........"The Kanadian" Seth Andrews, who really hasn't done anything good enough to keep himself on the roster.

Bisc Limpkit: Trey and I have talked about it, we're either going to give him a severe warning for low work-ethic or fire him, simple.

Lord Knighthood: Good. Anyway it was Andrews versus, The ONLY Sexy B!tch, in my opinion of the SWF...and the ONLY wonder of the world, Inferna!

[Footage of Inferna, showing her nice bodily curves and TIGHT ass with the male audience going right off, nearly causing a riot with their wolf-whistles and overwhelming cheers for the Vibrant Vixen.]

Lord Knighthood:....against a man who has just retired, I think, from the SWF....Homicide. He showed his face one time, but then nothing, apparantly he was scared off by "Blakeheart". Anyway, the biggest shock came when.....Prez Trey's boss in the HWF, "The Only Superstar" Chaz Manson came out and declared his interest in the SWF!

Biggie D: Bisc, that'd make it two Chaz(z)'s in the SWF, with Chazz really being Charles Manson and Chaz being Chaz Manson!

Bisc Limpkit: So? A little confusion isn't gunna hurt anyone!

Lord Knighthood: Anyway....Chaz gave Inferna a bit of a trash-talk lesson before stating that Homicide's outta here, which lead onto ANOTHER suprise of the evening, yet another new recruit showing his face. J-Dee Gin, patriotic Canadian, comes in a SLAUGHTERS "The Kanadian" with a chairshot, followed by his VICIOUS boston crab, or is it a Canadian Crab? Inferna then gets an easy win with a Fireball on the helpless Andrews, and moves on in the tourney, the last one...thus making the final to crown the new SWF Champ, a match between "The Mark", "The Drakeinator" and "The Nicest Ass in SWF History".

Biggie D: THEN, during the commercial, yet ANOTHER suprise for SWF audiences. The man that stands at 7'5", the one they call Tiny Biggs, returned trying to get a contract...but he couldn't, SOOOOO he put Blackwell through a table while in the stemin' mood he was in! But even though the prospect of Tiny in the SWF is good news, the bad news was because of his incompitence the Breakdown title wasn't decided at Breakdown as normal. Anyway, there wasn't many superstars putting their hand out for it either...

Bisc Limpkit: I think there was only two, or something. I'm pissed about Tiny though, I wish there was someway to get him in....ugg!

Lord Knighthood: But before we move onto the main event, we gotta cut to a commercial!

COMMERCIAL BREAK


Biggie D: Anyway, we're back here on SWF Relapse, and before recappin' the Breakdown mainevent, I'm going to announce the first few "of the weeks"...now, I'll explain what happens. Lord K and myself go over the week in SWF promo cutting with a magnifying glass and pick the people, etc, that we think deserve an award, if you get an award you should be damn proud of yourself.

Lord Knighthood: Well, firstly, we're going to announce the "Quote of the Week", this will go to the wrestler who says something that ammused us in a big way. So after carefull analyse, we have picked the following....

[Smackette shows the following footage....]

Lou Dicrist:So, you heard this stuff about Inferna? Apprantly she's big stuff now. She's posing for magazines...

Kyle Solomon:You mean like Playboy and Hustler?

Lou Dicrist:....and movies

Kyle Solomon: Like Pam and Tommy Lee's?

[Smackette footage ends...]

Biggie D: And Solomon wins his first award, and that being the quote of the week from 9-3 to the 9-10. Even though we didnt' really like the implications, it was humourous!

Lord Knighthood: And the next is the "Promo of the Week" awarded to the individual who impressed us the most in a full promo....and this weeks winner is....

[Smackette footage opens up with Johnny Drake's promo entitled "America vs Japan vs Land of the Jackasses" It then shows the full promo, then ends...]

Biggie D: And Johnny Drake, picks up promo of the week, quite an accomplishment considering the great promos that were cut this week! He should be quite happy with himself.

Lord Knighthood: The next award, goes to a wrestling highlight of the week. It comes straight from Breakdown, and the winner of "Highlight of Week" goes to this man for this move....

[The Smackette shows Johnny Drake lying on the mat with the crowd cheering, it then shows Kobra, seemingly miles away JUMP! He then hits Drake with a HUGE frogsplash off the cage onto the helpless Drake on the ground.]

Lord Knighthood: WHOA! That's takin' it over the edge, quite a deserved Highlight of the Week if I do say so myself. There's one more award to go down, that being Wrestler of the Week and that will come after our relapse of Breakdown's mainevent. Next week however, there should be some more awards, but with this being a rickety week, we didn't have much time to prepare.

Biggie D: Anyway, roll the highlights of the world title main event!

[Smackette shows the eterances of the contestants, Drake, Inferna and Solomon. Shows Inferna hitting the suplex on Drake onto Kyle. Kyle hitting the "Center Stage" on Inferna. Drake goin' pyscho with the ladder on Solomon. Solomon with the cross body on Drake. Inferna with the fire pit on Drake. And Solomon hitting them BOTH with a huge senton bomb. Then the enterance of Bisc Limpkit.]

Bisc Limpkit: Damn, I never knew I was so sexy!

[The footage shows a bit of action before showing Bisc jump into action and cracking Solomon over the head. And then all the f'n crazy ending that really cannot be followed. Ending with Drake grabbing the title and being announced *NEW* SWF World Champion!!]

Biggie D: And that WOULD of been the SWF Wrestler of the week, BUT, after looking over the promo footage, I think KING KOBRA deserves it, and so does Lord K, SOooooooooooo....King Kobra is our wrestler of the weeeeeeeek! But we're running out of time, argh!

Bisc Limpkit: Before we go, I'd firstly like to apologise to Inferna, and Iceman for hittin' yuz, sorry....I got mixed up in the heat of the battle. To much adrenaline built up from bashin' Solomon 'bout thehead.

Lord Knighthood: Well, after this first episode, I think it's game over, good night everyone from Biggie D and Lord Knighthood.....with special guest Bisc Limpkit, GOODNIGHT, hope you enjoyed it!!

END
SWF 2000


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